I am not good with surprises.
If someone said to me, “I’m taking you on a vacation; let’s go,” it would stress me the fuck out. What do I pack? Are we going somewhere warm or somewhere cold? Do I pack casual clothes or something fancy? Will we be doing a lot of walking? Do I need my running shoes? Where are we staying? Should I bring my hair dryer, or will we be at a hotel that has one? Or maybe we’re camping! Do I need my pillow?
I always look up spoilers for movies and TV shows. When the IMDB message boards closed, I was upset because how would I know how movies ended? How would I binge watch shows on Netflix without knowing the plot of the finale?
Don’t worry: I still find a way.
I try to let myself be surprised but it doesn’t work. When I read books I try so hard to stick to the proper order, but I only ever get a few chapters in before I read the ending. I always know who ends up together or who is the murderer. It relieves me of the suspense and I can enjoy the ride.
Life has no spoilers, and it is causing me a lot of fucking anxiety.
I just want someone to sit down and tell me what my life will be like in a few years. I’m not picky! One year, two years, five. Whatever you want! Just sit me down and say, “This will be your life…you will live *here*, you will be working *here*, you will be in *this* relationship with *this* person,” etc. Just let me know what I need to be working towards here.
I want to be happy. I want my kids to be happy. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I can’t do all of these things. I need to pick one. Which one do I pick? Is it selfish to want to be happy? Is it selfish to believe that choosing my happiness will lead to my kids’ happiness? That seeing their mom happy and alone beats seeing her with their dad and miserable? Life has gotten very difficult and complicated and I’m not a fan.
So please, someone, sit me down and give me the spoilers.