I don’t know
what’s worse –
the fact that
you did this
or the fact that
I let you
I don’t know
what’s worse –
the fact that
you did this
or the fact that
I let you
I love lists.
I do. I write lists constantly. It helps with my anxiety to see things on paper in front of me. To-do lists are everywhere in my world. Organization is beauty for me; it’s one of the reasons I love my job.
I also apparently love choosing the wrong guy. I am really good at it. I find someone that seems so good for me, and then…they aren’t. I need to break out of the patterns I have created for myself. I need to be specific. I need to be picky.
So, in true Brianne fashion, I have created a list of qualities that a potential partner must have. No settling. Not anymore. I’m too old to settle and I have two amazing little girls that don’t deserve to have someone in their life that isn’t going to be there long term, or isn’t going to be a positive role model.
There are some incredibly random items on this list, but trust me: they are all there for a specific reason. I am an open book – if any items need clarification or explanation, I’d love to provide it.
Think of the goal. The endgame. Typically when you’re dating, you’re looking for the one person. Your forever person. Your home. The one person with whom you want to grow old. The one that you want to wake up next to every morning for the rest of your life. That is what we’re looking for. That’s the objective. That’s why we put ourselves through the torture of dating. We want the happily ever after: that’s our definition of a successful relationship.
But…if you are with someone until you die…you’re with ONE person until you die. That means that you can only have ONE successful relationship IN YOUR LIFE. Think of how many relationships you’ve had? Maybe you haven’t had many. Maybe you were really lucky and you met your soulmate in preschool and you will die in each other’s arms at 102. But probably not.
I’m not even asking how many RELATIONSHIP relationships you’ve had. They don’t have to have been defined, or exclusive, or long term. It could be an ongoing flirtation at work. It could be someone with whom you went on three dates and called it quits. It could just be someone you admired from afar for years before realizing that they can’t put together a coherent sentence to save their life.
My point is, you’ve probably had a few. And let’s say that you DO end up with one person for the rest of your life. Your success rate is still incredibly shitty. I don’t mean to be pessimistic here, but I’m going to say that 99% of relationships are going to fail. I think that’s a generous percentage. It’s really probably more like 99.9999999999999999999…%, but I don’t want to seem cynical.
So what’s the point of getting emotions involved? I’d much rather keep one foot out the door and protect myself. That way the second something goes wrong I can run. I mean, yeah, maybe it’s an overreaction to someone switching the radio station when it’s a song I really like. They don’t know I secretly love Duran Duran. But ultimately the relationship is more than likely doomed from the start. So if they tilt their head to their right to kiss and I tilt my head to my left, it’s just not going to work. Why try. It all ends up hurting anyway.
You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.
This is something with which I need to come to terms. I can’t stick around and watch someone’s life unravel. I can’t watch them self-destruct yet still somehow keep myself intact. I have to learn that sometimes love is not enough.
Whoa, did I just use the “l” word?
Yeah. I did. I can’t help it. I am in love with him. I am. I wish I wasn’t. I’ve tried to stop. But the second he gets in my car and his scent hits my nostrils…love.
We started talking again in November and the second I saw his name pop up on my phone I couldn’t contain myself. I know he hurt me before but still…he’s Barrie.
He is a wonderful human. When we’re together it just feels right. We fit so well. His arms feel like they were made to be around me. He makes me laugh and he’s smart and he is such a nice person. He is someone I could see myself marrying and having another child with – and that is a big deal. He is interested in my life and my experiences…every single time I tell him.
Because, yeah. We repeat conversations a lot. Because he is always drunk.
I love being around him but it always ends with this sinking feeling in my stomach. Lately that sinking feeling is there the entire time we are together. I did voice my concerns about his drinking. I told him that I wanted to be with him but I didn’t think I could accept it into my life. It’s not just me: I have two daughters to take into consideration.
His response when I told him this? I can change. The next time we were together he had five drinks. Wow, so much change happening there.
I don’t want to get too detailed because if he does read this, he absolutely knows who he is. I am not shy about the subjects of these blogs stumbling across them; this guy knows about this blog because I sent it to him the first time I wrote about him. But details don’t need to be shared here – they are irrelevant. All that matters is that I love him and I can’t watch him do this to himself. I can’t bring this into my girls’ lives.
He doesn’t want to be saved. I can’t save him. I need to walk away.
So this is me…walking away…it fucking sucks.
I had a thought. I often write as if I’m talking to someone. I publish here the words I can’t say in person. So what if I was to write a letter to God? What would it say? What would I be thankful for? In what areas of my life would I ask for help?
So this is what I’m going to be doing for the next few days. I am going to think really hard about what I would say to God, or whatever is out there. Maybe it’s just to the universe, or mother nature, or maybe (most likely) just nothingness.
But assuming there is some great powerful being out there…what would I say if given the chance?
What would YOU say?
While I spend the next few days thinking about it, I want you to think about it too.
I’m not buying into this “new year, new me” thing.
It’s a lovely concept, but I’m the same person I was last week. I’m not going to list a bunch of goals for myself; I’m not going to blather on about how I’m going to change myself for the better this year. I won’t whine and complain about how poorly 2017 treated me. The date on the calendar doesn’t mean a thing: you are still you and whatever happens to you happens. That’s life, my friends.
That being said, I haven’t written in a little bit. I didn’t write over Christmas because I was busy with my family. I didn’t write anything around New Year’s because I didn’t want to add to the chaos of “new beginnings” posts.
So instead I will write about what I love in my life right now.
I have two amazing daughters. They are strong and fierce. At times they can be too strong and too fierce, but these will be wonderful qualities in the women they will become. They make me smile and laugh every day, and I am in awe of how smart and confident they are. They are enormous spirits in tiny bodies and they make me want to be a better person so that I can be the best possible example for them.
I love my house. I rent: it is small and expensive. I have a downstairs neighbour that I can hear at all hours of the night. I can hear him sneeze and cough. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I can hear him snoring from the floor beneath me. But I find all of this comforting. My small house is just the right size for my girls and me; and I am never truly alone listening to the murmur of the television below.
I have a great job. I’m still new and I’m still learning. But so far I am really enjoying it. I like the people with whom I work, and I like the work that we do. I look forward to going to work in the mornings, which I know is not how many people feel about their jobs. Sometimes (often) I wonder how I got this job, as I’m not overly qualified for it, but I am so immensely grateful that I was given this opportunity.
I am surrounded by some of the best humans around. My friends have been lifesavers this past year. My kitchen is completely stocked with dishes, cookware, utensils, etc., because I have friends who just dropped stuff at my house. I have friends who went through their kitchens, their basements, and their attics just to find me things they felt I could use in my new life. I get texts and phone calls from people checking up on me. I come home to packages on my porch. I have invitations to dinners and I get knocks on my door just because. I am loved and I am made to feel that way.
I don’t need to be a new me this year. I am building the best possible version of myself. There is a Matthew Good song called “Symbolistic White Walls” and there is a line that I have been repeating to myself lately. “I’m wearing the same grin/I take it all on the chin.” I feel like this is the best possible motto for my life right now. It has nothing to do with buying a new calendar or remembering to write a new date (which usually takes me until June to perfect). It has everything to do with this continuing journey of self discovery on which I find myself. It is never too late to become who you were meant to be. And I’m working on it.
Today I woke up.
Tomorrow I will again.
Some days that’s enough.